A Man And A Woman

1. A man will pay 200Rs for a 100Rs item he wants. A woman will pay 100Rs for a 200Rs item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

8. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

9. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

MBA to engineer Student:" Can u kiss that pretty Girl..
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engineer Student:" Yes Of Course!!
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MBA:" If u Can! I Will give u 1000 Rs!
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engg Student:" O.K Done!!
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engineer Student gone to near that Girl& Said:" I Can Kiss u without Touching you!
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Girl:" Impossible n (laugh)
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engineer Student:" I will bet 500 Rs...
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Girl:" O.K Done!
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engg Student Tightly Kissed her!
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Girl Soughted:" you Cheat me!
You Can not kiss me without touching me!
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engineer Student:" O.K,Why are you crying,take your 500 Rupiye
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engineer Student Received Rs 1000 from MBA & give Rs 500 to that Girl

Dont challenge engineers,They can do anything

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees”.

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees..

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers  has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the  boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which  of you idiots ate the developer?”

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You FOOL! For four weeks we’ve been eating  team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So here after please don’t eat a person who is working.”

e-mail

An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. At least for a while. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from, and how did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said.
“I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” the software engineer said, “I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?
You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“It’s only me,” she said, “and the rowboat didn’t wash up: nothing did.”
He was confused, “Then how did you get the rowboat?”
“Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.”
“But, but, that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware – how did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” the woman said. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.
I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?”
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
“Well, let’s row over to my place then,” she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?”
“No, no, thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I couldn’t drink another drop of coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have made a still-How about a Pinacolada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is absolutely amazing,” he mused. “What next?”
When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, “We’ve both been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing to do for all of these months.”
She stared into his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing- this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.

“You mean…,” he replied, “I can check my e-mail from here?”

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . ‘HEBREWS’

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

In the past few years:

1. I learn to operate 3 critical machines
* Scanner
* Printer
* Xerox Machine

2. I learn to use 3 High End Software:
* Microsoft Word
* Microsoft Excel
* Microsoft PowerPoint

3. I learn to use 3 great short cuts:-
* Ctrl+C
* Ctrl+V
* Ctrl+S

4. I learn to say three very imp words for professional life:-
* Yes sir
* Ok sir.
* I'll Just Do That sir

5. When I really wanted to quit, I learn to: -
* Wake Up early
* Sleep late
* Continue to Work

6. I learnt to: -

* Face Monday

* Fight For 5 Days

* Wait For Friday

7. I learn to give reasons to family frnds and relatives for not making

* Phone Calls

* Messages

* Mails

8. I learn to celebrate these things far away from loved ones:-

* Birthday

* New Year

* Festivals

9. In last one year, People say:-

* You Learn...

* You Earned...

* You Enjoyed...

10. But when I compare me with my self...

* I just Sustained...

* I just Tolerated...

* I just Survived... for bucks

11. I have survived:-

* For convenience of my Family...

* To avoid blame of Society...

* To get tag of Employment...

12. When I already knew that I have got the wrong train.

* I learn to Rejoice...

* To be Happy...

* To Smile..

I learn that corporate life and dreams can never meet..

Because when they meet, both will lose their meaning..!!

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

WOMEN’S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

Two things those are very difficult to achieve!!!

1. To plant your ideas in someone else’s head.
2. To put someone else’s money in your own pocket.

The one who succeeds in the first one is called a TEACHER.
And the second is called a BUSINESSMAN.

The one who succeeds in both is called a WIFE.
The one who fails in both is called a HUSBAND!!!

Mother: Son I’m sorry I slept with someone that is not your dad 23 years ago. And that person is your real father.
Son: Mum, what utter rubbish! How am I to deal with this?
Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him.. ’cause we are of different religion. He is on the phone at the moment and wants to speak with his son for the first time ever.
Son: No i am speaking to no one. Mr. Trivedi is the only father i know and so will that be.
Mother: Please don’t be so upset. Just talk to him.
Son: Ok, I will give him a piece of my mind!
Phone: Morning Son, I am xxx xxx I am your real father.
Son:  Dad! Dad! Dad!!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Luv u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me..  Thank you soooo much mum.   You are the best mum in da world!

Don’t mess with Lawyers

A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this creative defense  “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied.
“Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to 5 year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled.
With his  lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the  bench, and walked out. …Don’t mess with Lawyers…..manipulation is their game!!

Can’t take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The  undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man  replied, “Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.

OMG

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.The store clerks Called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency Open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic  Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard Loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to Pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the Irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

“I didn’t recognize you.”

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God She asked “Is my time up?” God said,”No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

(You’ll love this!!!)

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“I didn’t recognize you.”

wrong man

In a tiny village in Kerala, a devout christian  breathed his last and the local priest being out of station, a priest from an adjoining village was called upon to deliver the funeral oration. 

“Ladies and Gentlemen”, began the venerable pastor with the dead body in a coffin before him, “Here lies dead before me a rare human being of this village with outstanding qualities. He was a gentleman, a scholar, sweet of tongue, gentle of temper and very catholic in outlook. He was generous to a fault and ever smiling”. 

The widow of the deceased stood up at the end of the Hall and screamed,

”O ! God ! They are burying the wrong man “.

Lord Hanuman’s T.A Bill

After the Ravana-Rama war was over in Sri Lanka, Lord Hanuman submitted his T.A. Bill to the Ayodhya administration claiming payment of money for his official travel to the several places in India in connection with his mission to search and bring the Sanjeevani Mountain (for saving Lakshmana’s life during the war).

The LDC (Lower Division Clerk) of the T.A. Bill section in the Ayodhya Secretariat raised the following three objections and rejected Hanuman’s T.A. bill:

(1) Hanumanji did not take prior permission of the appropriate authority, namely, King Bharat who was the official King of Ayodhya (as crowned by Dharatha prior to Rama leaving for the forest) at the time when the travel was undertaken by Hanuman.
(2) Hanumanji being Grade-D officer was not entitled to air travel; and
(3) Hanumanji was asked to bring Sanjeevani Plant only, just a single plant, but instead, he carried a whole lot of mountain (unauthorized excess baggage).

The LDC returned the bill to Hanuman.

King Rama who was back in Ayodhya and was the King at that time, could do nothing except to mark it down for to the Clerk for re-examination.
A worried Laxmanan approached the LDC and offered him a bribe of 10% of the T.A. Bill amount. The LDC was a happy man now, and wrote the following on the T.A.Bill:
“As directed by King Rama, the bill was re-examined and it is certified that :
1. Even during the relevant time, Rama was the de-jure King of Ayodhya through his ‘Paduka’ ( that were installed on the throne by Bharatha as Rama’s representative King).
2. Further in an emergency, non-entitled officers can be authorized ex-post facto to fly.
3. Also excess baggage carried by Hanumanji is justified, since bringing a wrong plant would have entailed multiple journeys for Hanumanji that might have involved huge extra cost to the government. Hence bill may be paid”.

The T.A. Bill was paid accordingly by the Secretariat  treasury… and every one was happy..!!

Facts

Walks miles  for the Bread the poor
Walks miles to digest the bread the Rich
Bread ain’t there at times for the poor
Bread is not fortunate to be had at times by the busy
Helpless is he , so falls ill
helpless he is, for he is ill  
Some leave bread for their kith
Some leave their kith for the bread
How different the world is

who is the deaf one ?

Bob feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.     The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’
No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for        dinner?’
Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’
‘For God’s sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, PASTA & SOUP !’

don’t be nervous

The Hospital administrator asked the patient:
“Why did you run away from the operation theater?”
The patient said:
“Because, the nurse was telling, ‘don’t be nervous; an appendectomy is a really simple procedure”
“So……?”
The patient exclaimed:
“So……..?? She was telling that to the surgeon!!”

Dead Sea Killer

Will and Bill were quarreling about whose father was the stronger. 

Will said, Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My fathers the one who dug the hole for it.

Bill wasn't impressed, 

Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My fathers the one who killed it !

"Then its mine !"

As two boys were passing the rectory, the minister leaned over the wall and showed them a ball.

"Is this yours" he asked

"Did it do any damage" asked one of the boys

"No" replied the minister

"Then its mine !"

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proofreading.

“I just need to outrun you.”

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. 

The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." 

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

The Frozen Parrot

A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear like a sailor.

On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words.

On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:

"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"

Murder of ENGLISH

1. Pick up the paper and fall in the dust-bin!
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2. Both of you three, stand together separately!
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3. Will you hang that calendar or I'll
"HANGnMYSELF!"
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4. Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father!
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5. Why are you looking at the monkey outside when I am in the class...?
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6. I have 2 daughters, both are girls.
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7. Stand in the middle of the corner!

Side effects of alcohol.... And remedies!!!

1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure : Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward...

2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure : Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom : The floor looks blurry.
Cause : looking through an empty glass.
Cure : Quickly refill your glass!

4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause : You're being dragged away.
Cure : At least ask where they're taking you!

5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.

Cause : You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it
Cure : Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom : Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause : You're in the wrong house.
Cure : Ask if they can point you to your house.

7. Symptom : The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure : Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

Behind every successful man..
There is a
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Deactivated Facebook Account

Q: Why is the Oakland football team like a possum?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Redneck Home Security

How to install a redneck home security system:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

5. INSTALLATION COMPLETE!

Yo mamma so hairy............

- Yo mamma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!

- Yo mamma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.

- Yo mamma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

- Yo mamma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.

- Yo mamma so hairy, she has afros on her chest.

- Yo mamma so hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca in Star Wars. 

- Yo mamma so hairy, her breasts look like coconuts.

- Yo mamma so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker. 

- Yo mamma so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds. 

- Yo mamma so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

- Yo mamma so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on. 

- Yo mamma so hairy, if I shaved her legs, I could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men. 

- Yo mamma so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.

- Yo mamma so hairy, when she goes to the circus the bearded lady protests against non-union workers.

Telling a lie is a……….

Sin for a child.

Fault for an adult.

An art for a lover.

A profession for a lawyer.

A requirement for a politician.

A Management tool for a Boss.

An accomplishment for a bachelor.

An excuse for a subordinate and

A Matter of Survival for a married man.

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”
Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”

Student: “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.
Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? “

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? “

To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

“All right” says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a BangkokTemple :IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
(tell that to the ex-IMF Managing Director!)

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY,

EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany ‘s Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACKFOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE

TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE

USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
(Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic: Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

An engineer, a mathematician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple. The first to get the correct solution was to win a prize of Rs 10,000.

The engineer climbed the steeple, lowered a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground, then climbed down and measured the length of the string.

The mathematician calculated the height using his knowledge of trigonometry.

However, the arts graduate won the prize. He saw the vicar, who told him the height of the church steeple.

WWE:

WWE: 2 people fighting over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants.

Dear Indian parents,
Never give up on your children.
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If Rahul Gandhi is achieving positions in life,
your child is destined to be genius.

status

Apart from 'SINGLE' and 'COMMITTED',

There Should be one more status in a Relationship
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'I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS
GOING ON BETWEEN US.

Height of Possessiveness:

A boy is dying of cancer..
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Friend:" Why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS ??
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Boy:" when I die,
No one will dare to touch my Girlfriend.

This status is brought to you by
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the neighbor's Wifi!

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an alcoholic, 
one was a chain smoker, 
and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them,
said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his
stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, 
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.we're both dead!"

It Happened in a Hospital that ICU patients died in the same bed every Sunday at 3PM.
Doctors thought it is something Super Natural.

Worldwide Expert team was formed to Investigate the cause.

Next Sunday, few mins before 3PM, all doctors & Nurses stood around that Bed & Waiting to see what it was.

Then Suddenly Atongo (Part time sweeper) Entered the ICU, unplugged the Life Support system of that Bed & then plugged her Mobile Charger...

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB!

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back After 6 hours and then analyse The situation..

If they are counting the Bricks.
Put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in Auditing ..

If they have messed up the Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the Bricks in some strange order.
Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the Bricks at each other.
Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in Security.


If they have broken the bricks Into pieces.
Put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried Different combinations, yet
Not a brick has Been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have already left for The day.
Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the Window.
Put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each Other and not a single brick Has been Moved.

Congratulate them and put them
in
Top Management

Engineer v/s Manager

A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost.

She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

Man below replied: "You r in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground.You are at 41 deg north latitude & 59 deg west longitude."

Lady: You must be an engineer.

Man: How do you know?

Lady: Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost.

Engineer:You must be in Top Management.

Lady:Ya.How do you know?

Engineer:U don't know where you are or where you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. 

If u cant change the girl..
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CHANGE the girl.

Never Ask A Woman Her Age..!
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A Man, His Salary..!!
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And...
Now-A-Days...
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An Engineering Student, His Placement..!!
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It Hurt.

Drunker's Matrimonial advertisement:::

WANTED WIFE

AGE no Bar,

WEIGHT no Bar,

LOOKS no Bar,

CASTE no Bar,

Education no Bar.

But
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girl's father must have his own bar

RECYCLE PAPER

Boy sees a beautiful girl sitting right next to him, &
he writes on paper"i love you, do you love me ?"

She replies"No"

he didn't give up, he rubs her answer & passed same paper to
another girl sitting left to him...
And she replies"Yes"



Moral of the story is:

RECYCLE PAPER and save trees, save earth !

Teacher :- Teach some manners to your son

Father :- Why? What Happens?

Teacher :- While filling the form you know what he wrote for column sex?

Father :- What?

Teacher :- "Not got chance yet."

Facebook is not all about likes and shares.
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Like and share if you agree.

sooooo wise

Akpors bought a Brand New Bullet proof car, While driving alone in the bush at Night, Armed Robbers ambushed him and fired shots at his car sporadically but could not Penetrate,

Akpors, being so wise, came down from the car and started abusing the robbers " ur fadas" don't you know the car has bullet proof??"
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Akpors was Buried 2 days later.

Price Hike

Congress has decided to get the full majority in next elections
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hence price hike...
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so that no one other than Congis survive 

Today's Wise saying-
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Life is never boring....
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if you have a dirty mind.

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester United fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for
the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
'It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The Liverpool fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: 'Please tie a pillow to my back.' This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Arsenal fan was next up. After watching the Scouser in horror he said smugly: 'Please fix two pillows to my back.' But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Arsenal fan was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do - **no pun**).

The Manchester united fan was the last
one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: 'You support the biggest club in the world and your team is one of the finest in the world. For this reason, you may have two wishes!' 'Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness', the Red devil replied. 'In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes.' 'Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave'. The Sheikh said with an admiring look
on his face. 'If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish'?
'Tie the Arsenal fan to my back.'

reason:" i'm bored

I logout from Facebook (reason:" i'm bored)..
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After 5 min- I sign in (reason:" i'm bored)....

Boys : Happy Creatures

Boys are always Happy Creatures WHY?

1-Their last name stays with them forever,

2-Phone conversation last just for 30 secs flat,

3-A five day vacation requires only one jeans,

4-If someone forgets to invite them, he can still be their friend,

5-The same hairstyle lasts for years or even decades,

6-They can do shopping for 25 relatives in 25 minutes,

7-They don't freak out when they go to a party n see another man wearing the same shirt, instead they become buddies.

Laws Of Life

1) Law Of Telephone : When You Dial A Wrong Number, You Never Get A Busy Tone.

2) Law Of Mechanical Repair : After your Hands Become Coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.

3) Law Of The Workshop : Any Tool, When Dropped, Will Roll to the Least Accessible Corner.

4) Law Of The Alibi : If You Tell The Boss You Were Late For work because You Had A Flat Tire, The Next Morning You Will have a flat tire.

5) Bath Theorem : When The Body Is Immersed In Water, The telephone rings.

6) Law Of Encounters : The Probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

7) Law Of The Result : When You Try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, It Will.

8) Law Of Bio mechanics : The Severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

9) Theater Rule : People With The Seats At The Furthest From The Aisle Arrive Last.

10) Law Of Coffee : As Soon As You Sit Down For A Cup Of Hot Coffee, Your Boss Will Ask You To Do Something Which Will Last Until The Coffee Is Cold.

11) Law Of Proposal : After U Accept A Proposal You Will Get A Better One.

Always keep a packet of Bread in your car. .
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In case you get stuck in a Jam

A thief broke into Akpos house and stole his Tv.

He took off and started running, 
Akpos also ran after him.

The faster he ran, 
the faster the Akpos also ran after him.

Finally 
the thief got tired and stopped, 
Akpos also stopped.

Panting,
Akpos told the thief "Take the remote, you forgot it"..

The reason,why Akpos got a black eye!

Akpos is heading home very drunk,he knows that Adwubi will be angry again so in his way,he planned to trick her!

He fixed his clothes on his hair and knock on d door,.
As it open der is Adwubi standing wit d ugliest face ever!

Adwubi : this time Akpos,wat is your reason again?

Akpos(smiled) well i went to buy a bunch of flowers for the beautiful lady in the house,.

Adwubi was pleased an smiled "thats sweet,
but
where are the bunch of flowers?"

Akpos : where is the beautiful lady in the house?

And 
he woke up wit a black eye!

There was a couple sleeping. The wife had a bad dream, she woke up scared and cried.
Her husband comforted her and asked why she
cried, she replied: “I had a dream that a very rich
and handsome man kidnapped me from you.”

Husband: “It is ok honey, it was just a dream.”

Wife responded loudly: “That is why I’m crying.”

A wife was making breakfast of fried eggs for her husband..
Suddenly,her husband came into the Kitchen..

Husband: Careful!Careful!Put in some more oil!
Oooohh My God!You are cooking too many at once.Too many!Turn them..Turn them now!You need more oil.
Oh My God!Where are we going to get more oil?The eggs are going to stick!Careful!Careful!I said BE CAREFUL!You never listen to me when you are cooking!Never!
Turn them!Hurry up!Are you crazy?
Have you lost your mind?
Don't forget to salt them!You know you always forget to do that.Use the salt...Use the salt!The salt!

The wife stared at him angrily,
"What's wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband replied,
"I just wanted to show you how it felt like when I'm driving & you do the same!"

Akpos came home from work last night and said to his wife::
"I have been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and get to employ my own private secretary"
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Wife "well please find an ugly Private secretary ,
who doesn't have a personal hygiene, 
smelly armpits and
dresses like an old woman,
 I don't want you choosing someone who you are going to be tempted to have an affair with"
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"That's fair enough " Akpos replied
 "when do you wanna start "

What A Logic

I don't know about other people, but my LOGIC behind drinking is that:

when i drink, i get drunk.
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when i get drunk, i speak the truth.
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when i speak the truth, i'll go to HEAVEN.

So guys... lets DRINK & GO TO HEAVEN. CHEERS!!!

All chemistry books in school as well as in College said the same thing:

...
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... ... ...
... ... ... ...
... ... ...... ...
... ... ...... ... ...

ALCOHOL is A SOLUTION!

Spanish captain was walking on his ship...
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A soldier rushes to him and says, "One enemy ship is approaching us!"
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Captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt"
The soldier gets the shirt for the captain.
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The enemy ship comes in, heavy rounds of fire are exchanged.
Finally, the Spaniards win.
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Soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"
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Captain replies, "If i got injured, then my blood shouldn't be seen, as i didn't want my men to loose hope."
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Moral:
For success, hope is very important.
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Just then, another soldier,
"Sir, we just spotted another TWENTY enemy ships!"
The captain calmly replies,
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"Go bring my yellow pants"

Two white guys and an Ashanti lady were sitting at Golden Tulip, Kumasi. 
When the barman came over to take their order, 
the first guy said "Jonny Walker, single."
 The second guy said "Jack Daniels, single." 
Barman turns to the lady and asks "and you?" 
She responds "Akua Afriyie, married"

A Ghanaian man, American man and Nigerian man were lost in a forest and were captured by cannibals.

The king of the cannibals told the three friends that they could live if... they pass a trial.

The 1st step was to go deep into the forest and get 10 pieces of the same kind of fruits.

The three men went their separate ways to gather fruits.

The Ghanaian man came back and said to the king, "I brought 10 apples".
The King explained the trial to him.
King : You have to swallow the fruits without any expression on your face or you will be killed.

The first apple went in, but on the second one, he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The American arrived and showed the king 10 berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy....1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The Ghanaian and American met in heaven.... The Ghanaian man asked, "why did you laugh ?, you almost got away with the trial"....then the American man replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Nigerian man coming with Watermelons!! :P