Right Click

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

Computer Song

Computer Song To be sung with the theme from the Beverly Hillbillys:
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Ted, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed. But then one day he was talking to a recruiter who said, "they'll pay big bucks if ya work on a computer"..

UNIX, that is....Windows 95....Workstations...C++...VB

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Ted's an engineer. The kinfolk said "Ted, move away from here". They said "Arizona is the place you oughta be" so he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...

Intel, that is....dry heat... no amusement parks.....

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him lots of donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is ...unpaid...mandatory.....

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. the answer's very simple..."we'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is.. stressed out.. no social life....

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray. Ted worked very hard while his life just slipped away Waiting to retire when he turned 64, instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is...de-briefed...unemployed.

Now the moral of the story is, do what you are told companies will use you and discard you when you're old So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch old bosses squirm.

Millionaires that is.....Bill Gates...Steve Jobs...

Ya'll come back now, ya hear.

There! Now get back to work!

Computer Viruses

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: 
Your 1.3gb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 1.3gb.

AT&T VIRUS: 
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: 
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: 
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back...

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: 
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: 
Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort".

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: 
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

EMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: 
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: 
It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

DENVER BRONCOS VIRUS: 
Makes your P133 machine perform like a 286/AT

L.A.P.D. VIRUS: 
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your State-of-the-art-computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error - Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

GUI (pronounced gooey) - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Windows Slogans

At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.

2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell. 

4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows. 

5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS. 

6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance. 

7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy. 

8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty. 

9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying. 

10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better 

11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows. 

12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows! 

13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates. 

14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!

15. How do you want to crash today?