He beats him again

“I just need to outrun you.”

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. 

The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." 

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

The Frozen Parrot

A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear like a sailor.

On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words.

On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:

"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"

 Q : What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool? 


A : She had mittens.

Q : Why does everyone love cats?


A : Because they’re purr-fect!

Q : Why is there a crab in prison? 


A : Because he kept pinching things!

Facebook For Animals

If animals had facebook accounts,
their status would be like this: 

Chicken- if tomorrow i am not updating my status, 

means i am being served at KFC..

love you all...

 Lion- which one is more dangerous: a lion or a leone...

Pig-oh gosh they throw the gossips that 

i am spreading flu...

Cockroach:- managed to skip someone's foot step...

Cat:- my 7th child is asking who is her dad.. 

what shall i tell her??  i don't even remember..

and should i tell her i'm going to eat her?

Octopus-i have just refilled my ink.. hurray!

Goat-friends, don't go out, Eid holiday is coming..

Mosquito- a big fat lady is going to hit me with "HIT"...

But i can't do anything becoz my blood group is same as that of her...

Mouse- i have cheeze...

But i wants to eat cheeze with a large pack of vodka...

LOLzzz...

Dog:- waiting for my owner to pick up..

time for saloon...

Knock Knock

Knock Knock

Who's there ?

Cows ! Cows who ?

Cows go 'moo' not who!

 Knock, Knock. 

Who's there? 

Hoo. Hoo who? 

You talk like an owl! 

Knock Knock 

Who's there ! 

Lion ! Lion who ? 

Lion on your doorstep, open up ! 

Knock Knock Who's there ! 

Dragon ! 

Dragon who ? 

Dragon your feet again ! 

Knock Knock 

Who's there ! 

Duck ! 

Duck who ? 

Just duck ! They're throwing things at us ! 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Toucan! 

Toucan who? 

Toucan play at this game! 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Spider! 

Spider who? 

Spider what everyone says. I like you! 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Safari! 

Safari who? 

Safari so good! 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Owl! 

Owl who? 

Owl Aboard! 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Quacker! 

Quacker who?

Quacker another bad joke and I'm leaving! 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Rabbit! 

Rabbit who? 

Rabbit up carefully, it's fragile 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Goat! 

Goat who? 

Goat to believe in magic. 

Knock Knock. 

Who's there? 

Bass! 

Bass who? 

Bass the salt and pepper please! 

Knock knock 

Who's there 

Gorilla 

Gorilla who Gorilla me a hamburger 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Oink 

Oink! Oink Oink Who? 

Make Up Your Mind...Are You A Pig Or An Owl? 

Knock Knock. 

Who's there? 

Alligator! 

Alligator who? 

Alligator for her birthday was a card! 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Thumpin! 

Thumping who? 

Thumping green and slimy is climbing up your back! 

Q : Why do birds fly south for the winter? 


A : Because it’s too far to walk.

Q : Why do bees hum? 


A : Because they don’t know the words

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
 "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, 
"What's on the top of a house?" 
"Roof!" the dog replies.
 "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'."
"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, 
"What does sandpaper feel like?"
 "Rough!" the dog answers. 
The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. 
"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." 
He turns and asks the dog: 
"Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" 
"Ruth!" barks the dog. 
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. 
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I should said DiMaggio?"