Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proofreading.

“I just need to outrun you.”

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. 

The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." 

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

Q: Why is the Oakland football team like a possum?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

 Q : What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool? 


A : She had mittens.

Zombies Halloween

Q : What should you do when zombies surround your house?


A : Hope it’s Halloween.

Q : What do you call a witch at the beach? 


A : A sandwich.

Q : Why does everyone love cats?


A : Because they’re purr-fect!

Q : Why is there a crab in prison? 


A : Because he kept pinching things!

Q : Why are most Guidos named Tony?


A : When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.

Q : Why didn't the skeleton go to the Halloween party?


A : Because he had no-body to go with.

Q : How do porcupines kiss each other? 


A : Very carefully.

Q : Why did the man throw the butter out the window? 


A : Because he wanted to see butterfly.

Q : Why do birds fly south for the winter? 


A : Because it’s too far to walk.

Q : What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? 


A : Frostbite.

Q : Why don’t mummies have hobbies?


A : Because they’re too wrapped up in their work.

Q : What do you call a brainy insect? 


A : A spelling bee.

Q : Where does Dracula stay in New York?


A : The Vampire State Building.

Q : Why do bees hum? 


A : Because they don’t know the words

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?


B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman. 

vampire's bat

Q : Why did the vampires cancel the baseball game? 


A : Because they couldn't find their bats.