Catholic Terminology

AMEN 
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. 

BULLETIN 
Your receipt for attending Mass. 

CHOIR 
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. 

HOLY WATER 
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. 

HYMN 
A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. 

RECESSIONAL HYMN 
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. 

INCENSE 
Holy Smoke! 

JESUITS 
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. 

JONAH 
The original "Jaws" story. 

JUSTICE 
When kids have kids of their own. 

KYRIE ELEISON 
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. 

MAGI 
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. 

MANGER 
Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough. 

PEW 
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. 

PROCESSION 
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. 

RECESSIONAL 
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. 

RELICS 
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. 

TEN COMMANDMENTS 
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. 

USHERS
 The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.