CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

In the past few years:

1. I learn to operate 3 critical machines
* Scanner
* Printer
* Xerox Machine

2. I learn to use 3 High End Software:
* Microsoft Word
* Microsoft Excel
* Microsoft PowerPoint

3. I learn to use 3 great short cuts:-
* Ctrl+C
* Ctrl+V
* Ctrl+S

4. I learn to say three very imp words for professional life:-
* Yes sir
* Ok sir.
* I'll Just Do That sir

5. When I really wanted to quit, I learn to: -
* Wake Up early
* Sleep late
* Continue to Work

6. I learnt to: -

* Face Monday

* Fight For 5 Days

* Wait For Friday

7. I learn to give reasons to family frnds and relatives for not making

* Phone Calls

* Messages

* Mails

8. I learn to celebrate these things far away from loved ones:-

* Birthday

* New Year

* Festivals

9. In last one year, People say:-

* You Learn...

* You Earned...

* You Enjoyed...

10. But when I compare me with my self...

* I just Sustained...

* I just Tolerated...

* I just Survived... for bucks

11. I have survived:-

* For convenience of my Family...

* To avoid blame of Society...

* To get tag of Employment...

12. When I already knew that I have got the wrong train.

* I learn to Rejoice...

* To be Happy...

* To Smile..

I learn that corporate life and dreams can never meet..

Because when they meet, both will lose their meaning..!!

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

WOMEN’S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

Two things those are very difficult to achieve!!!

1. To plant your ideas in someone else’s head.
2. To put someone else’s money in your own pocket.

The one who succeeds in the first one is called a TEACHER.
And the second is called a BUSINESSMAN.

The one who succeeds in both is called a WIFE.
The one who fails in both is called a HUSBAND!!!

Mother: Son I’m sorry I slept with someone that is not your dad 23 years ago. And that person is your real father.
Son: Mum, what utter rubbish! How am I to deal with this?
Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him.. ’cause we are of different religion. He is on the phone at the moment and wants to speak with his son for the first time ever.
Son: No i am speaking to no one. Mr. Trivedi is the only father i know and so will that be.
Mother: Please don’t be so upset. Just talk to him.
Son: Ok, I will give him a piece of my mind!
Phone: Morning Son, I am xxx xxx I am your real father.
Son:  Dad! Dad! Dad!!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Luv u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me..  Thank you soooo much mum.   You are the best mum in da world!

Don’t mess with Lawyers

A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this creative defense  “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied.
“Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to 5 year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled.
With his  lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the  bench, and walked out. …Don’t mess with Lawyers…..manipulation is their game!!

Can’t take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The  undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man  replied, “Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.

OMG

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.The store clerks Called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency Open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic  Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard Loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to Pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the Irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

“I didn’t recognize you.”

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God She asked “Is my time up?” God said,”No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

(You’ll love this!!!)

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“I didn’t recognize you.”

wrong man

In a tiny village in Kerala, a devout christian  breathed his last and the local priest being out of station, a priest from an adjoining village was called upon to deliver the funeral oration. 

“Ladies and Gentlemen”, began the venerable pastor with the dead body in a coffin before him, “Here lies dead before me a rare human being of this village with outstanding qualities. He was a gentleman, a scholar, sweet of tongue, gentle of temper and very catholic in outlook. He was generous to a fault and ever smiling”. 

The widow of the deceased stood up at the end of the Hall and screamed,

”O ! God ! They are burying the wrong man “.

Lord Hanuman’s T.A Bill

After the Ravana-Rama war was over in Sri Lanka, Lord Hanuman submitted his T.A. Bill to the Ayodhya administration claiming payment of money for his official travel to the several places in India in connection with his mission to search and bring the Sanjeevani Mountain (for saving Lakshmana’s life during the war).

The LDC (Lower Division Clerk) of the T.A. Bill section in the Ayodhya Secretariat raised the following three objections and rejected Hanuman’s T.A. bill:

(1) Hanumanji did not take prior permission of the appropriate authority, namely, King Bharat who was the official King of Ayodhya (as crowned by Dharatha prior to Rama leaving for the forest) at the time when the travel was undertaken by Hanuman.
(2) Hanumanji being Grade-D officer was not entitled to air travel; and
(3) Hanumanji was asked to bring Sanjeevani Plant only, just a single plant, but instead, he carried a whole lot of mountain (unauthorized excess baggage).

The LDC returned the bill to Hanuman.

King Rama who was back in Ayodhya and was the King at that time, could do nothing except to mark it down for to the Clerk for re-examination.
A worried Laxmanan approached the LDC and offered him a bribe of 10% of the T.A. Bill amount. The LDC was a happy man now, and wrote the following on the T.A.Bill:
“As directed by King Rama, the bill was re-examined and it is certified that :
1. Even during the relevant time, Rama was the de-jure King of Ayodhya through his ‘Paduka’ ( that were installed on the throne by Bharatha as Rama’s representative King).
2. Further in an emergency, non-entitled officers can be authorized ex-post facto to fly.
3. Also excess baggage carried by Hanumanji is justified, since bringing a wrong plant would have entailed multiple journeys for Hanumanji that might have involved huge extra cost to the government. Hence bill may be paid”.

The T.A. Bill was paid accordingly by the Secretariat  treasury… and every one was happy..!!

Facts

Walks miles  for the Bread the poor
Walks miles to digest the bread the Rich
Bread ain’t there at times for the poor
Bread is not fortunate to be had at times by the busy
Helpless is he , so falls ill
helpless he is, for he is ill  
Some leave bread for their kith
Some leave their kith for the bread
How different the world is

who is the deaf one ?

Bob feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.     The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’
No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for        dinner?’
Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’
‘For God’s sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, PASTA & SOUP !’

don’t be nervous

The Hospital administrator asked the patient:
“Why did you run away from the operation theater?”
The patient said:
“Because, the nurse was telling, ‘don’t be nervous; an appendectomy is a really simple procedure”
“So……?”
The patient exclaimed:
“So……..?? She was telling that to the surgeon!!”