Dead Sea Killer

Will and Bill were quarreling about whose father was the stronger. 

Will said, Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My fathers the one who dug the hole for it.

Bill wasn't impressed, 

Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My fathers the one who killed it !

"Then its mine !"

As two boys were passing the rectory, the minister leaned over the wall and showed them a ball.

"Is this yours" he asked

"Did it do any damage" asked one of the boys

"No" replied the minister

"Then its mine !"

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proofreading.

“I just need to outrun you.”

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. 

The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." 

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

The Frozen Parrot

A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear like a sailor.

On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words.

On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:

"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"